Tuesday, October 28, 2008

OOh, also...

...I got tummy ache. "here, take these" mum says, and gives me a couple of those chalky tummy tablet things (no brand names here folks). Thus 'cured', my patient, understanding, attentive, gorgeous boyfriend and I go for a walk by the river.

This particular stretch of the fine Thames is pretty much deserted of people and facilities, and about half way down, my gut starts to tremble. And then shake horribly.

Cue lovely boyfriend assisting (he can't carry me, that would have menat trouble for his new coat) crippled niceandwarmandhot down muddy path (how appropriate) whilst we figure out where I can 'go'. I know its going to be messy, so bushes are out of question as I'm wearing a skirt, and it will, ahem, 'show'.

So we race to the flashy garden centre, and I ask the nice man at the deskif they have any loos. Yes, over there, so staggering by this point, I get to the skank hole that is the toilet.

And let rip.

No words to describe, only my boyfriend's face when I came out (the first time, there was a lot of running back in). Sheer horror. I have not been back to the centre because of the damage I did. And I will NEVER take said tablets EVER again. I can't even have chalky mints...

Smell travels.

Still have boyfriend though! (hence the wonderfulness earlier)

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Words of Wisdom

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Just think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like, and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD recorders by having a p*ss before the film starts.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send it on
its way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, just move it all back again.

CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!', thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

JEREMY Beadle: When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008


Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive,

press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent,

please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid,

we know who you are and what you want,

stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional,

press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic,

listen carefully and a little voice will tell You which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive,

hang up. It doesn't matter which number you press,

nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar,

please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep.

But Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem,

please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal,

put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.

You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.